What to Say when your Kid Says This #whentolisten #whentoignore

What to Say when your Kid Says This #whentolisten #whentoignore

“You never let me do anything!”

Welcome to one of many childhood explosions! Chances are you let your child do TONS of things. A few things are likely to be going on here: they are upset, are attempting to hit you where it hurts, and it has become clear there is a communication breakdown. At this point, it is likely your child, and perhaps you, are feeling a lot of emotion.

Now is not the time to try the rational and logical route, because it’s likely not to work (yet). Give them a few minutes. From there, revisit this topic. Your child needs to know a couple of things:

  • they are always free to share their opinions or feelings.
  • they are not allowed to be disrespectful to others [or to themselves].
  • You are willing to hear them out.

Then empathize with their feeling: “I can understand how you could feel different from the rest of the group because you’re the only one who [can’t go eat after the dance]“, attempt to compromise (when able) “I’d be ok with you grabbing dinner with them another day,” and remember you are the parent and they are the child “but staying out after 11pm is out of the question.” What mom or dad says is the law.

“I don’t want to go to school.”

Sounds like a typical expression, and quite honestly, I think we’re all notorious for saying responses like: “Well I don’t want to go to work today but I still am,” “It’s called responsibility,” or “I don’t care.” Ask yourself a few questions. Is this the first time your are hearing your child say this? Is this typical behavior? Could there be something going on? Do they say this before school or after school? Is your child pending a big test or project? Are they only saying this on certain days? How did they sleep the night before? Take a look at the context of these statements.  The answers to these questions could give you the insight you need to be able to judge when to ignore or when to listen.

“(S)he makes me feel creepy.”

Listen up. Ask more questions. “What do you mean by creepy?,” “Have they ever done or said anything to make you feel uncomfortable?,” “Do you know who they are?,” etc. Aire on the side of caution. While we want our kids to be polite, intuition/gut feeling can go a long way. Kids are incredibly perceptive and may be picking up on something before we do. In situations like this, your supervision can go a long way. Sometimes this means actually keeping eyes on your child when this person is around. In cases where your child is in a different location, find the “adult in charge” and touch base with them. Also, follow up with your child and do some quick practice scenarios “What would you do if they got into your space and it makes you uncomfortable?” Encourage them to create distance by taking a step back, create a nonverbal barrier by picking up an arm or hand [in a non-aggressive way], and commit to strong eye contact with this person when stating “Please step back.” Also encourage them to always know the nearest exit and to have a buddy go with them behind closed doors when with this person. Lastly, validate. Let them know you are glad they told you how they were feeling and they can always trust you to share when they’re “not feeling right” about something.

“I’m Tired.”

Unless your kid is trying to get out of an undesirable chore, listen. Here’s what the National Sleep Foundation had to say:

  • Preschoolers (3-5): Sleep range widened by one hour to 10-13 hours
  • School age children (6-13): Sleep range widened by one hour to 9-11 hours
  • Teenagers (14-17): Sleep range widened by one hour to 8-10 hours

Unfortunately, children aren’t getting enough hours of sleep and tend to fall into the minimum number of sleep recommended for their age. Remember, the time your child actually goes to bed, is likely not the time they are actually going to sleep- big difference. Throw in a growth spurt and sporting practice and they need even more sleep- your child may need to fall closer to the middle and maximum number of sleep recommended. They aren’t going to like the adjusted bed time, but they’ll appreciate it in the morning.

“Can I go over to [person you don’t know]s house?”

No. All together now, “No.” They will proceed to rave how you never let them do anything- if they’re teens, you may hear how unfair you are and how So-and-So’s mom/dad let’s them. You would proceed to tell them “I don’t know that person, but he/she is welcome to come over here after I’ve talked with their parents so that I can get to know them. Get their number tomorrow at school so I can call them.” Your child will likely not back down easily, and that’s ok. Being angry or frustrated is normal, but remember disrespect is not. My parents did a great job making our house-THE house to be at. We had newly released DVDs (rented), junk food, and the tastiest meals (shout out mom!). We had enough space to feel independent, and enough check-ins for my parents to have an idea of what was going on. Make your house the IT house.

3 Easy Steps to Stop Your Mind from Trippin’ #mindtrippin

3 Easy Steps to Stop Your Mind from Trippin’ #mindtrippin

Scientist, engineers, physicists, and the like have for ages attempted to create something that will perhaps be the single most impossible thing to do. A Time Machine. We’ve read the books, we’ve read the stories, and pretty much agree they’ve been sci-fi for the most part. I don’t mean to upset any future-time-machine-creators when I say “You’re going to need all the luck you can find,” because in reality, what they’re trying to re-create is the mind.

The mind is the only organism on the planet that is capable of transporting one to another time, outside of the current reality. It has the ability, that despite the actual physical state, to relive experiences of the past, or transport us into the future towards dreams or even fears. It’s capable of what I like to call “mind trippin’.”

You might consider “daydreaming.” We’ve all been there, and with research that suggests our minds can wander upwards of 40% of the time, it’s no wonder that around 10am each morning I’m already dreaming up what lunch is going to be. No harm, no foul right?

The ultimate difference between day dreaming and mind trippin’ is that day dreaming can be neutral or positive in nature, while mind trippin’, as I’ve defined it, can invoke fear, shame, anxiety, or worry. Mind trippin’ when left to the chaos of its own terms, is the definition of mental health conditions like anxiety or post-traumatic stress disorder.

With mind trippin’ the mind creates an alternate reality and experiences hard emotions, negative thoughts and reactive actions that reflect the imagined reality [not the present/current reality]. Think of the war vet, who comes back home and runs for cover when he hears an exhaust backfire. Think of the mom who starts calling every major hospital after her teenager doesn’t answer the phone when out. They’re reacting based off an alternate reality that feeds off major fears, doubts, and insecurities.

So remember the mind trip causes the mind to “leave” and wander off to a place in the future or the past that prompts anxiety and/or fear. Here are a few ways to get the mind back to the present reality:

  1. Command your mind to “go white” then imagine a giant stop sign. Imagery and visual cues can be really helpful in simply slowing down the mind.
  2. Reground yourself with slow and deep “belly breaths.” This means when you inhale, the breath causes the belly to rise (NOT the chest); on the exhale, the belly should flatten. Repeat this three times.
  3. 3, 2, 1– say out loud three things you can see, two things you can feel, and one thing you can hear. This is you body’s way of literally reminding the body of where you are (ex: “No Tommy, you’re not in Afghanistan anymore, you can see your TV, your dog, and that chips bag. You can feel your nikes on your feet and the ring on your finger. You can hear your wife doing dishes.”)

Remember, the simplest of strategies can sometimes be the most difficult to apply. The above strategies are like anything else, they will only get better with practice- the more often you do it, the better off you will be at using it when you need it. Leave a comment below of times you’ll try one of these techniques out.