5 love languages and Healthier Communication

5 love languages and Healthier Communication

May 30, 2018

By guest blogger: Lisa Arce, LPC

Have you found yourselves arguing more lately? Are you feeling disconnected, neglected or resentful?

Unfortunately for a lot of us, when we become angry at our spouse or partner we tend to shove it down, ignore it or not deal with it. Maybe we were taught to “pick your battles” or “it’s not worth getting angry about.” I call major BS on that. We need to tune into those emotions because that’s where growth lies. The 5 love languages allows us to understand what our spouse/partner needs from us. When we understand why we are fighting, we are in a better position to come up with a solution.

Here’s a look at what the 5 languages are:

  • Words of Affirmation: If this is your love language, words speak louder than actions. Hearing, “I love you,” is important—hearing the reasons behind that love is even more powerful.
  • Quality Time: To people with this love language, nothing says, “I love you,” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical. Distractions or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful.
  • Receiving Gifts: The receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known and that you are cared for. It’s all about the thought behind the gift.
  • Acts of Service: Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Act of Service” person will speak wonders to them. The words he or she most wants to hear: “Let me do that for you.”
  • Physical Touch: A person whose primary language is physical touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face—they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love.

Beyond fighting less (or at least more productively), the concept of love languages is great for maintaining the relationship, too. Sometimes when we’ve been in a relationship for a long time, it’s easy to get complacent. When we know our partner’s love language, it’s incredibly easy to tune into what they may or may not need from us or heck ask for it ourselves! It’s like a cheat code for your relationship.

Meeting your partner’s needs for love is a choice we make each day. If we know each other’s primary love language then we can choose to speak it and help each other feel secure and happy in our relationship. But what if our partner’s love language does not come naturally to us?Well, so?? When an action doesn’t come naturally to us and we choose to intentionally do it then that is an even greater expression of intimacy. When we talk about connecting to our partner, we are speaking about choosing to lean into connection.

Overall, it all comes down to knowing what’s important to people so that you can understand, empathize, and work with them a little better. Everyone is different. We all have different life experiences; we come from different backgrounds. It makes sense that we communicate differently, too. Now don’t get me wrong, the 5 love languages can’t fix everything. They’re not going to magically make problems go away. But the concept does go a long way in communicating and connecting better, and we all know how much that matters in a relationship.

Relationships need to be maintained and healthy relationships take work. If you need help with communicating and connecting better, send me an email at: nlisaarce89@gmail.com! I am ready to help you have healthier and more fulfilling relationships.

P.S. Did you know this love language business works with kids too? Try it out and let us know how it goes!

What to Say when your Kid Says This #whentolisten #whentoignore

What to Say when your Kid Says This #whentolisten #whentoignore

Apr 12, 2018

Below is a list of common complaints you are likely to hear your child say, especially if they are into their teen or tween years. Although you are likely pretty sharp on knowing your kid, below is a list of statements that are some common we may find ourselves discounting them. In some instances, ignoring as a parenting tactic is a good thing. However, there are times when children say something, we need to listen up!

“You never let me do anything!”

Welcome to one of many childhood explosions! Chances are you let your child do TONS of things. A few things are likely to be going on here: they are upset, are attempting to hit you where it hurts, and it has become clear there is a communication breakdown. At this point, it is likely your child, and perhaps you, are feeling a lot of emotion.

Now is not the time to try the rational and logical route, because it’s likely not to work (yet). Give them a few minutes. From there, revisit this topic. Your child needs to know a couple of things:

  • they are always free to share their opinions or feelings.
  • they are not allowed to be disrespectful to others [or to themselves].
  • You are willing to hear them out.

Then empathize with their feeling: “I can understand how you could feel different from the rest of the group because you’re the only one who [can’t go eat after the dance]“, attempt to compromise (when able) “I’d be ok with you grabbing dinner with them another day,” and remember you are the parent and they are the child “but staying out after 11pm is out of the question.” What mom or dad says is the law.

“I don’t want to go to school.”

Sounds like a typical expression, and quite honestly, I think we’re all notorious for saying responses like: “Well I don’t want to go to work today but I still am,” “It’s called responsibility,” or “I don’t care.” Ask yourself a few questions. Is this the first time your are hearing your child say this? Is this typical behavior? Could there be something going on? Do they say this before school or after school? Is your child pending a big test or project? Are they only saying this on certain days? How did they sleep the night before? Take a look at the context of these statements.  The answers to these questions could give you the insight you need to be able to judge when to ignore or when to listen.

“(S)he makes me feel creepy.”

Listen up. Ask more questions. “What do you mean by creepy?,” “Have they ever done or said anything to make you feel uncomfortable?,” “Do you know who they are?,” etc. Err on the side of caution. While we want our kids to be polite, intuition/gut feeling can go a long way. Kids are incredibly perceptive and may be picking up on something before we do. In situations like this, your supervision can go a long way. Sometimes this means actually keeping eyes on your child when this person is around. In cases where your child is in a different location, find the “adult in charge” and touch base with them. Also, follow up with your child and do some quick practice scenarios “What would you do if they got into your space and it makes you uncomfortable?” Encourage them to create distance by taking a step back, create a nonverbal barrier by picking up an arm or hand [in a non-aggressive way], and commit to strong eye contact with this person when stating “Please step back.” Also encourage them to always know the nearest exit and to have a buddy go with them behind closed doors when with this person. Lastly, validate. Let them know you are glad they told you how they were feeling and they can always trust you to share when they’re “not feeling right” about something.

“I’m Tired.”

Unless your kid is trying to get out of an undesirable chore, listen. Here’s what the National Sleep Foundation had to say:

  • Preschoolers (3-5): Sleep range widened by one hour to 10-13 hours
  • School age children (6-13): Sleep range widened by one hour to 9-11 hours
  • Teenagers (14-17): Sleep range widened by one hour to 8-10 hours

Unfortunately, children aren’t getting enough hours of sleep and tend to fall into the minimum number of sleep recommended for their age. Remember, the time your child actually goes to bed, is likely not the time they are actually going to sleep- big difference. Throw in a growth spurt and sporting practice and they need even more sleep- your child may need to fall closer to the middle and maximum number of sleep recommended. They aren’t going to like the adjusted bed time, but they’ll appreciate it in the morning.

“Can I go over to [person you don’t know]s house?”

No. All together now, “No.” They will proceed to rave how you never let them do anything- if they’re teens, you may hear how unfair you are and how So-and-So’s mom/dad let’s them. You would proceed to tell them “I don’t know that person, but he/she is welcome to come over here after I’ve talked with their parents so that I can get to know them. Get their number tomorrow at school so I can call them.” Your child will likely not back down easily, and that’s ok. Being angry or frustrated is normal, but remember disrespect is not. My parents did a great job making our house-THE house to be at. We had newly released DVDs (rented), junk food, and the tastiest meals (shout out mom!). We had enough space to feel independent, and enough check-ins for my parents to have an idea of what was going on. Make your house the IT house.

Foods that Affect Your Child’s Behavior By Eva Nestor, RDN, LD

Foods that Affect Your Child’s Behavior By Eva Nestor, RDN, LD

Mar 28, 2018

Food and nutrition play a vital role in your child’s development and growth. In a nutshell, childhood eating habits can affect brain development, mood and behavior.

Many parents find themselves struggling with their child’s challenging behavior, and wonder is there something in their diet causing their behavior to be out of control? One option you may try is the elimination of offending foods like red dye 40. It has been linked to attention and memory difficulties, impulsivity, hyperactivity, and temper tantrums.

Nutrient absorption through digestion of energy from carbs, protein, and fats support the growth and development of a child.  Micro- nutrients linked to brain function include proper amounts of choline, folic acid, zinc, B6, B12, and vitamin C. In my professional practice, I have experienced observational results in cognitive development utilizing adequate amounts of omega 3’s in the diet.

It is well known that some chemical components can cause allergic reactions or have significant effects on a child’s health and behavior. Therapeutic diets are prescribed for children with food sensitivities. There are also children who have allergic reactions to specific food components. These foods include peanuts, dairy, tree nuts, soy, eggs, and shellfish allergies. Children with celiac disease or wheat sensitivities are placed on a gluten free diet. Children with Autism may also try a GAPS diet to help with behavior.

The strategy most commonly used to eliminate or decrease challenging behaviors that may be caused from a food component, is finding what food item may be triggering your child’s behavior.  Suggestions include, offer the food item as tolerated into your child’s diet for a period of time, then monitor their reaction if any, to evaluate if this item is a food trigger in their behavior. Then re- introduce the suspecting food trigger to seek similar resulting behavior.

  • Children should eat less than 25grams of added sugar daily. Children ages 2-18 should eat less than 6 teaspoons of added sugar daily.
  • Offer whole grains, daily fiber and prebiotics. Gluten free breads: Rice millet Bread by Food for Life or Schar Products.
  • Include needed protein sources, dairy products, lean meat, fish, and legumes.
  • Encourage foods with natural probiotics: fermented pickles, Yakult, sourdough bread.
  • Ensure adequate daily intake of Omega 3 –fatty acids to promote brain development.
  • Apply dairy substitutes: Flax seed milk, (Good Karma), hemp, coconut, rice, almond or soy milk.
  • Alternative dairy: goat milk, a2Milk, (without- A1 protein) or lactose fee milk.
  • Increase intake of healthy whole foods that are unprocessed, like cooked or fresh fruits and vegetables.
  • Avoid foods that have artificial colors, as they tend to be high in fat and sugar: exclude excess juice based sweetened beverages and nutrient poor snacks.
  • Offer adequate hydration and decrease high sugar drinks. Substitute water for flavored water, infuse water -fresh fruit mixed with water: non- artificial sweetened Capri Sun Roaring Waters, Sweetleaf water drops or True Citrus products.

What we feed our children and the eating habits they become familiar with can certainly affect their mood and behavior. Look into finding what may trigger your child’s behavior if you suspect a food item may be a factor. To help you become a food investigator for your child, work closely with a trained professional who specializes in identifying the triggers or chemicals that may clinical be affecting their behavior.

IF YOU WANT TO HEAR MORE FROM EVA, CONTACT HER AT: nutritionbyeva@gmail.com OR LEAVE A COMMENT BELOW.

3 Easy Steps to Stop Your Mind from Trippin’ #mindtrippin

3 Easy Steps to Stop Your Mind from Trippin’ #mindtrippin

Feb 12, 2018

Scientist, engineers, physicists, and the like have attempted to create something which could be the biggest contribution to mankind: A Time Machine. We’ve read the books, we’ve read the stories, and pretty much agree they’ve been sci-fi [for the most part]. I don’t mean to upset any future-time-machine-creators when I say “You’re going to need all the luck you can find,” because in reality, what they’re trying to do is re-create the mind.

The mind is the only organism on the planet that is capable of transporting a person to another time, outside of the current reality. The brain has the ability, that despite the actual physical state, to relive experiences of the past, or transport us into the future towards dreams or even fears. It’s capable of taking trips into different times and does what I like to call “mind trippin’.”

Let’s consider “daydreaming.” We’ve all been there, and with research that suggests minds can wander upwards of 40% of the time, it’s no wonder that around 10am each morning I’m already dreaming of what lunch is going to be. No harm, no foul right?

The ultimate difference between day dreaming and mind trippin’ is that day dreaming can be neutral or positive in nature, while mind trippin’, as I’ve defined it, can invoke fear, shame, anxiety, or worry. Mind trippin’, when left to the chaos of its own terms, is the definition of mental health conditions like anxiety, depression or post-traumatic stress disorder.

With mind trippin’ the mind creates an alternate reality and experiences hard emotions, negative thoughts and reactive actions that reflect the imagined reality [not the present/current reality]. Think of the war vet, who comes back home and runs for cover when he hears a car exhaust backfire. Think of the mom who starts calling every major hospital after her teenager doesn’t answer the phone when she’s out. They’re reacting based off an alternate reality that feeds off major fears, doubts, and insecurities.

So remember the mind trip causes the mind to “leave” and wander off to a place in the future or the past that prompts anxiety and/or fear. Read more about those feelings here. Here are a few ways to get the mind back to the present reality:

  1. Command your mind to “go white” then imagine a giant stop sign. Stop the uncontrolled thoughts and stop the chaotic thinking. Imagery and visual cues can be really helpful in simply slowing down the mind.
  2. Reground yourself with slow and deep “belly breaths.” This means when you inhale, the breath causes the belly to rise (NOT the chest); on the exhale, the belly should flatten. Repeat this three times.
  3. 3, 2, 1– say out loud three things you can see, two things you can feel, and one thing you can hear. This is you body’s way of literally reminding the body of where you are (ex: “No Tommy, you’re not in Afghanistan anymore, you can see your TV, your dog, and that chips bag. You can feel your nikes on your feet and the ring on your finger. You can hear your wife doing dishes.”)

Remember, the simplest of strategies can sometimes be the most difficult to apply. The above strategies are like anything else, they will only get better with practice- the more often you do it, the better off you will be at using it when you need it. Leave a comment below of times you’ll try one of these techniques out.